When art goes bad...

I had a bit of a trying morning today. The collie did a lot of barking in my face on our walk and then Mum gave me pilchards to eat when we got home. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE pilchards. It was even the ones in tomato sauce which are the best. But after a walk - and this is clearly stated in our food provision contract - I get BONES to eat. Not pilchards, bones. Normally chicken, but anything is fine so long as it is raw, crunchable and in sufficient quantity. Without bones I am hungry and grumpy. 

Inevitably, I spent the rest of the morning hungry and grumpy so after a couple of hours I decided to do something about it. No, I didn't raid the kitchen and find my own bones. What do you think I am? Instead I decided on a soothing, even therapeutic activity.

I decided to do a self-portrait. Now, I read that you do a drawing of yourself without a mirror and it can reveal lots about how you see yourself. Since I love myself thoroughly, I thought this would be a great way to cheer myself up.

How wrong was I? Check this out...

What do you reckon? I think I need therapy more now than I did before I started.

I would like to make it clear that I do not look like this. Absolutely not. Yes, perhaps I managed to get an indication of my sumptuous chest hair, and yes, perhaps my paws are rather fluffy. But the vacant expression? Nothing like me.

Since I am not a quitter, I had another go, thinking perhaps a profile portrait would go better. Unfortunately it makes me look like an overweight poodle sheep cross.

I am disappointed, who wouldn't be? But it is obviously the system that is at fault. Next time, I will try an abstract approach.

I will capture my spaniel essence and pin it down on paper!

Hallelujah!

Nom nom...excuse me...nom nom...hang on...

oooh...crunchy bits!...nom nom nom.

Sorry was I supposed to be saying something profound?

I have the hump...

This is one of those mixed blessing things. Or silver lined clouds. Or maybe it's just plain WRONG.

As you may have noticed I have been campaigning hard for some time for more (or any) treats. I even found recipes and ingredients. My desires, needs even, have simply gone unnoticed.

Until today. Two unusual things have happened today.

1. A small black ridiculously fluffy thing *claiming* to be a cocker spaniel seedling has invaded our home. As a consequence of our apparently being "scared" of her (ha! as if...) she is in the nice room in front of the fire with mum while I am shut upstairs with the stupid collie whippet.


2. An aroma from the kitchen is stirring deeply buried memories from my brain. If I didn't know better I would say mum is cooking peanut butter biscuits!!!


Is it coincidence or is this treachery of the worst kind?


Will we (that is the dogs-who-are-actually-members-of-this-family) actually get any of the biscuits or are they just for visitors?


Have I got it completely wrong and they are just having satay sauce for lunch?


Hark! The oven beeper sounds!

Sitting on the dock of the bay...

Had a rifle through some old photos today and came up with this:

Now, for those of you who don't recognise this particular instrument of torture, it is a 'Pet Lifesaving Device'. Otherwise known as a handle you strap to your dog to fish them out of a particularly choice bit of water they have just gone to the trouble of jumping into.

My so-called 'family' bought this for me when I was a wee pupster and they took me on a canal boat holiday. Happily, the disgraceful item was the wrong size and they didn't have time to change it before we sailed off with a tally-ho or whatever it is boaty people say when...well, sailing off.

As I am here with you today, you can see that I survived the experience. Indeed I can report there was no fishing out of canals needed, with or without handles, and there was even time for a spot of sightseeing.

Here's me appreciating the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct. Now, do I look like I'm about to hurl myself into a watery life threatening situation?

Oh, damn. Sorry, how did that get there? Bit of a groin shot. Sorry. Oh...my plums. I miss you boys, I really do.

Anyway. This got me thinking, and it turns out there is a world of oddity out there. Not only can you get these float thingys (what must they do to a dog's sense of balance in the water?) but you can get custom built top of the range techno fabric dog wetsuits!

Yes! It seems I may have underestimated the number of psychotic dangerous water sport obsessed dogs there are in the world. I'm an outdoorsy kind of guy, and I like a nice stretch of water, and I don't feel the cold, I really don't. But when I see a sentence beginning "Hunting dogs may break through thin ice" I start to fantasise about roaring fires, crumpets and a toasting fork. And a smoking jacket. I'd look ok in one of those.

So to all you dock diving, ice breaking, wave surfing (ok, you guys might be kind of cool), macho water obsessed dogs living life at the edge...

...I salute you! You put the 'O my god will you look at that!' in dOg. 

What the...?

Good God!

I've just found a Dog Treats Recipe Book saved on the hard drive of the laptop!

What the....?

I can't....

I'll be back...


Oh no, wait. That's old. Nothing new. Just getting my hopes up for nothing.

Still, have left the file open, just in case it catches some attention.

A license for Wild Swimming? Seriously?

Okay I am mystified. I didn't even know that swimming could be any other way? Well, yes alright I know you people have these weird things called 'swimming pools' that we're banned from. Quite frankly, I don't know why you would want to use them anyway when we are surrounded by glorious water! And I'm not making a sarcastic comment about the rain.

Now I look into it I find that there is an abundance of Wild or Outdoor Swimming organisations. What is wrong with you people? It's simple. So here is my guide to wild swimming.

See some water. Don't waste time with special kit or safety briefings, just head on in. As you see here, if you're lucky enough to have larger ears you can use them to propel you forward a bit faster.

Now swim! Just do it, that's what the wet stuff's for. Just a note, if you are advanced enough to do carry a ball, don't drop it. Seriously. You'll be gutted if it sinks and believe me, all balls are not equal when it comes to floating or sinking. It's the big con of the dog toy world.

At some point, you're going to have to get out. Sorry, but you'll start to rot eventually and that would be gross. Remember that ball!

If you're indulging in coastal wild swimming, I can highly recommend some post-swim seaweed love. Chew but don't swallow. Not unless you like throwing up in the car on the way home, in which case, fill your boots!

And if, like me, you are rather practised in the art of 'wild' swimming, why not take it further? Here's me walking water. A great option for enjoying the blue stuff without actually bothering with full body immersion.

No membership needed. What more is there to it...?

It's all about the tongue!

Well, it is today anyway. Tongues are great. They help you get food in your mouth, they cool you down. They can make you look pensive, inquisitive, or just plain happy. To be honest, they can also make you look ridiculous, but we're dogs and we Don't Care!!

So, here's a few of my favourite tongue shots. Just for you.

First off, my 'I may be hot and tired but this tongue says I'm still ready for more! Throw the darn ball again!" Damn I look good. Don't I look good?

This next one brings back memories. This is the "my tongue is gonna get me home" look that strikes at the heart of every knackered but happy pooch. By the way, don't ever call me pooch. It's demeaning unless you're a dog. Just wanted to let you know that. No-one mention the Dennis Healey eyebrows please.

And finally (I may be showing off a tad here but every dog should be able to celebrate his finer side) a classic pose. It's the 'could have been done in a studio it's so great but actually it was serendipity that I look this poised, this handsome and Gadzooks! Will you look at that amazing tongue!!' shot.

Hello to dog tongues everywhere.

Thank you and goodnight.

Move over Andy Warhol!

This is SO cool!

Pop art effect thanks to anymaking.com