Thursday, 7 February 2013

A sad affair in cocker service provision

Dear Mother

I cannot fail to notice that on 11 out of the last 14 days the collie and I have not been walked until the afternoon. In addition on these days we have been left alone all morning without sustenance. This is unacceptable. Please provide an adequate explanation and 3 point plan for improvement to the service you are supposed to provide.


Dear Clive

Firstly, you can't count to 11 let alone 14. In fact, you can only count to 3 because you get 3 food events each day, 2 meals and 1 snack. So don't give me that lip.


Dear Mother

Technically we get 2 meals and a snack. In reality, you split what I regard to be one decent-ish meal into 2, and forget about the snack altogether. And where's my 3 point plan?


Dear Clive

Snacks are not your right, they are a privilege I occasionally give you. Like the Yorkshire puddings on roast dinner days, and the packet of gone soft gingerbread men I am currently - occasionally - giving you. Be grateful dammit or I'll give them all to the collie.


Dear Mother.

Perfidy. Why am I surprised?


Tuesday, 8 January 2013

There's something in my ear...

...and I just can't get at it. Seriously, it's driving me NUTS.

I have done a lot of scratching, some quite outstanding rubbing of ear on the ground, and have even submitted to being molested with scissors to trim my manly ear curls and it still


I need a solution and I need it fast or it'll be the low road to the V E T.

Oh and Happy New Year by the way. Was it a waggy one for you?

Monday, 6 August 2012

A new start for training?

In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semi human.  The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog~Edward Hoagland

Now I have no idea who this writer chap was but I like his attitude. I have been musing for some time as to the best approach to the dog-human training relationship and for me, this little phrase is a great starting point.

Before kitting yourself with a massive array of training equipment perhaps it would be wise to spend at least a few moments (or maybe even a little longer) learning what us dogs are actually about?

The human-dog partnership is a wonderful thing. Until, that is, you decide to rub our noses in our own mess, attach shock collars to our necks and squirt high pressure air in our faces if we bark. And we will bark, you know, we are DOGS.

So I make you a promise. I will study human behaviour and try to be more understanding as to why exactly it is you don't always feed me on time or let me sleep in the centre of the bed all night long, if you will study dog behaviour. We bark, we dig, we chase, we roll and you need to know why. 

It will be our little educational adventure. With quite a lot of rolling. In smelly stuff.

Seriously, you should try it, it's very liberating.  

Thursday, 19 July 2012

When art goes bad...

I had a bit of a trying morning today. The collie did a lot of barking in my face on our walk and then Mum gave me pilchards to eat when we got home. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE pilchards. It was even the ones in tomato sauce which are the best. But after a walk - and this is clearly stated in our food provision contract - I get BONES to eat. Not pilchards, bones. Normally chicken, but anything is fine so long as it is raw, crunchable and in sufficient quantity. Without bones I am hungry and grumpy. 

Inevitably, I spent the rest of the morning hungry and grumpy so after a couple of hours I decided to do something about it. No, I didn't raid the kitchen and find my own bones. What do you think I am? Instead I decided on a soothing, even therapeutic activity.

I decided to do a self-portrait. Now, I read that you do a drawing of yourself without a mirror and it can reveal lots about how you see yourself. Since I love myself thoroughly, I thought this would be a great way to cheer myself up.

How wrong was I? Check this out...

What do you reckon? I think I need therapy more now than I did before I started.

I would like to make it clear that I do not look like this. Absolutely not. Yes, perhaps I managed to get an indication of my sumptuous chest hair, and yes, perhaps my paws are rather fluffy. But the vacant expression? Nothing like me.

Since I am not a quitter, I had another go, thinking perhaps a profile portrait would go better. Unfortunately it makes me look like an overweight poodle sheep cross.

I am disappointed, who wouldn't be? But it is obviously the system that is at fault. Next time, I will try an abstract approach.

I will capture my spaniel essence and pin it down on paper!

Friday, 13 July 2012


Nom nom...excuse me...nom nom...hang on...

oooh...crunchy bits!...nom nom nom.

Sorry was I supposed to be saying something profound?

I have the hump...

This is one of those mixed blessing things. Or silver lined clouds. Or maybe it's just plain WRONG.

As you may have noticed I have been campaigning hard for some time for more (or any) treats. I even found recipes and ingredients. My desires, needs even, have simply gone unnoticed.

Until today. Two unusual things have happened today.

1. A small black ridiculously fluffy thing *claiming* to be a cocker spaniel seedling has invaded our home. As a consequence of our apparently being "scared" of her (ha! as if...) she is in the nice room in front of the fire with mum while I am shut upstairs with the stupid collie whippet.

2. An aroma from the kitchen is stirring deeply buried memories from my brain. If I didn't know better I would say mum is cooking peanut butter biscuits!!!

Is it coincidence or is this treachery of the worst kind?

Will we (that is the dogs-who-are-actually-members-of-this-family) actually get any of the biscuits or are they just for visitors?

Have I got it completely wrong and they are just having satay sauce for lunch?

Hark! The oven beeper sounds!

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Sitting on the dock of the bay...

Had a rifle through some old photos today and came up with this:

Now, for those of you who don't recognise this particular instrument of torture, it is a 'Pet Lifesaving Device'. Otherwise known as a handle you strap to your dog to fish them out of a particularly choice bit of water they have just gone to the trouble of jumping into.

My so-called 'family' bought this for me when I was a wee pupster and they took me on a canal boat holiday. Happily, the disgraceful item was the wrong size and they didn't have time to change it before we sailed off with a tally-ho or whatever it is boaty people say when...well, sailing off.

As I am here with you today, you can see that I survived the experience. Indeed I can report there was no fishing out of canals needed, with or without handles, and there was even time for a spot of sightseeing.

Here's me appreciating the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct. Now, do I look like I'm about to hurl myself into a watery life threatening situation?

Oh, damn. Sorry, how did that get there? Bit of a groin shot. Sorry. plums. I miss you boys, I really do.

Anyway. This got me thinking, and it turns out there is a world of oddity out there. Not only can you get these float thingys (what must they do to a dog's sense of balance in the water?) but you can get custom built top of the range techno fabric dog wetsuits!

Yes! It seems I may have underestimated the number of psychotic dangerous water sport obsessed dogs there are in the world. I'm an outdoorsy kind of guy, and I like a nice stretch of water, and I don't feel the cold, I really don't. But when I see a sentence beginning "Hunting dogs may break through thin ice" I start to fantasise about roaring fires, crumpets and a toasting fork. And a smoking jacket. I'd look ok in one of those.

So to all you dock diving, ice breaking, wave surfing (ok, you guys might be kind of cool), macho water obsessed dogs living life at the edge...

...I salute you! You put the 'O my god will you look at that!' in dOg.