Thursday, 21 May 2009

Nag Nag Nag

'Don't lick there'...'don't jump up'...'no running around'...blah blah blah....

This is soooooo boring. I'm not allowed to do anything fun. I haven't been out for a walk since Monday. I felt too depressed yesterday to write, it hurt when I sat down and I couldn't get up on the bed unassisted. Embarrassing. I felt so low that Mum took advantage of me and made me wear my fleece because I was shivering. I told her it was only because of the shock of my loss, but no, she insisted I was cold and needed it. Grrrrrrr.

Plus, I'm sure my food rations have been cut AGAIN. Mum says I'm still on a diet to lose weight (what???? I'll be a skeleton if she has her way) has now been upped because 'done' dogs put on weight more easily. Even less food. Great.

My life is hardly worth living.

Oh, and I have decided I have a bone to pick with Dad. He's a bloke, right? He has...bloke's bits. So, here's my question.

How in the name of everything manly did he let her do that to me???????????

Hmm? Dad? Oh, nothing to say eh? Funny that. Realllllly funny.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

I have been violated!!!!!

Shock. Horror. The most fell deed imaginable. Betrayed by my own mother!!!!

Please, if you are of a squeamish nature, I beg that you look away now. And no, Bran, there are no photos.

The truth is...I can hardly bare to say it. Here goes...

I have been unmanned! Yes! I, Clive, am two peas short of a pod! Or should that be two pods short? Well, however you like to put it, I am no longer the man I once was. My short and curlies have been shaved as well so I look like an overgrown puppy whose pods haven't even shown up to the party yet.

The Shame.

I really thought, at the grand age of 3 1/2, that I had gotten away with it. That Whippet had been unmanned since before he came to live with us, and to be honest he's such a girl anyway he'll have hardly noticed any difference. But me! How can I strut my manly stuff now?

The worst of it is I've hardly had anything at all to eat since 7pm yesterday evening. Mother seems to think a tiny bit of roast chicken when I arrived home will be sufficient, but she should know better!

I am overcome by feelings of loss. I will retire.