Sunday, 25 March 2012

Buffet days

So. Buffets. Absolutely smashing opportunities for the acquisition of free food, but also presenting certain challenges.

If you have four paws rather than two feet, the 'help yourself' buffet rule is somewhat different. Don't bother with a plate, it will just get it the way and is anyway difficult to handle without thumbs. Equally, there is no point in queuing in line with everyone else since they are under the impression that the buffet is not for you.

Please don't be put off by this species-ist attitude. You have just as much right to a buffet as people. They just get mixed up sometimes.

The prime times for accessing the buffet are either early, just after the cellophane covers have been removed (actually, if you're not picky about what you eat, just dive in cellophane and all) or late, after the initial rush has calmed down and people have drunk enough alcohol to no longer care what you are doing.

If you have long legs, just jump up and work your way round the dishes on the edge. You should manage to get a taste of everything. If you are not so lanky, like myself, you will have to get imaginative. My favourite access method is an opportunistic one. Look carefully for chairs parked close enough to the table to provide a potential bridgehead. Perfect for getting complete four paw access. Otherwise, pogo sticking up and down in front of the table and using ones nose to dislodge dishes can work really well, because you then get food scattered across the floor and no person is going to bother to stop you then.

A final word of warning. Be stealthy, or be quick. You can survive being found face down in the butter dish, I am living proof of that, but there will be consequences and your buffet time will come to a sad and immediate end.20p

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